The beginning to my weight loss

I look at myself in the mirror and pick out things I hate ; I think my legs are too fat and muscly , I crave so much for that famous thigh gap , my hips look so fat especially when I turn around , my arms are too flabby. 


Being skinny is something I've started to obsess over which has gotten slowly more intense over the last year  - and it's not just my weight I hate either - but that's another topic.I weigh 134 pounds and I am 5"6 (I think) which according to my BMI is 21.6 ,which is in the middle of the "normal" category , but it doesn't look attractive - at all.


This isn't the first time I've been set on losing weight - it happens all the time , I just end up keeping the exercise up for a week and eating healthier and less but then something happens in my life which makes me give up.Like I'll have family problems or someone will bring in unhealthy food (even more now since my mam has a new job in a chip shop) or Robert will make me feel a little better about myself , although the last one has started to have less of an effect these days.


It's started to take over my life - sometimes I'll not go out or interact with people because I feel like I look hideous , my clothes make me look fat , well, I make my clothes look fat so I'll be running around the house trying to find something I look good in , I eventually just break down and make an excuse up to why I can't make it.


Since I'm in the house by myself a good 90% of the day I usually spend hours researching ways to lose weight - I've recently started saving pictures of skinny people for "inspiration" - I call the folder "thinspiration" just to keep me going , oh god I wish I looked like that.


I am aware that this could get dangerous , people say it's all in your head and you'll never be satisfied , but I know what I see in the mirror and it's really ugly - I just have to change it to feel better about myself.


When I was younger , I remember getting bullied so much for the way I looked - my messy hair - I remember these group of girls who , for a "joke" put there brush through my hair , or tried to , then laughed at me I felt humiliated,  I got bullied for the clothes I wore - I remember getting hit from a boy for wearing the "wrong coat", the bag I took to school - I ended up giving in and buying a "Jane Norman" bag that all the girls had because of all the pressure, one person pointed out that I had a "long nose" and those words have never went away - I'm considering getting a nose job when I have the money, I had a few skin problems as well with spots - and I remember having this horrible habit of constantly looking down at my legs when I walked because I thought they looked really fat , in fact , I was concerned about my weight even then - when I was about 8 or 9.There were other things I was bullied for but that's the relevant stuff.


I just wanted to write this to keep track of my progress , see if I change in any way and to organise my thoughts.Hopefully I will reach my goal to feel happy about the way I look , it's going to be a long road.